Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Fear and the future...

I was thinking about what I am attempting to do with my life this morning. Put a book out into the world about my experiences with cancer and depression, write music, do energy work, all forward moving pursuits right?

So why all the fear? Why all the worry?

Well, on one hand, it is very nerve wracking to put yourself out into the world in any capacity, but it really amplifies when you are basically carving your heart out and handing it to the world on a platter. My girlfriend is a saint. She tolerates my rants about my insecurities and fears regarding my creative endeavours. She knows how much I have invested in what I do and how much it means to me that it is received well. The thing is, you just gotta let all that go and move forward. I mean, whats worse, never trying to go for it and being that bitter person who is jealous of the success of others, or going for it and dealing with whatever negative shit that may come flying at me.

This all started because I received a negative comment from someone who attended a recent show my band put on. They felt it necessary to post on our FB page that they were turned off by my onstage banter. You see, I am known to push the envelope a bit on stage when it comes to how I relate to the audience. I am a passionate performer and I love to make people laugh and feel good. Sometimes I get a bit crazy and sometimes I say things that some people take the wrong way.  For instance, if I want more people to dance and let go at one of our shows, I won't just say,

"Come on folks, come dance!"

No, I'll say,

"Alright you motherfuckers! One day we are all going to be lying in our death beds thinking about this moment! Are you going to be happy that you chose to be afraid and not dance and let go? Or are you going to say fuck it and have a good time tonight!!!!"

You see how that might offend some people.

The point is, sometimes you need to shake someone and make them think. Not everyone is going to understand that I come from a place where I felt my existence threatened at a very young age. I understand how precious life is and I wish everyone felt the way I do. But that isn't the case. So instead, I say shit like I wrote above.

I have also asked people if they were going to worry about whether or not their bodies were decaying properly while they were in their graves... (In reference to wondering if they would look silly dancing) and to stop worrying and just come let go with us. Music for me is a catharsis. One of my friends said it best the other day when he told me when he watches the band it is as much like watching an exorcism as it is a release. I told him that is exactly what it is for me.  

The people who know me and my band know that I come from a place of intensity and heart and I am passionate about bringing positivity to the world through music, art and the written word. I am someone who has been in very bad, very dark places in my life and I fucking hated it. I swore if I got better and didn't blow my brains out or get consumed by cancer I would do my best to bring light and levity to the world. I bring it in a different way. Life is visceral and personal, it is a beautiful grind and sometimes it is messy and ugly. I love it. I have learned through alot of hard work that it really is ALL good. I have also learned that I sometimes hide behind my crassness because I am a deeply sensitive person. But my sensitivity also allows me to be a powerful performer and to connect with people on a deep level.

I have decided that from this point forward, I am going to accept that not everyone is going to get what I do or like what I do. What burns me is that people are so quick to judge. They don't look any further than their noses or try to really dig in and figure out what is really going on. My instinct is to tell them to fuck off and want to smash them, but that isn't good enough. that isn't positive. I look forward to whatever comes when my book comes out and I look forward to the interesting "discussions" that are no doubt going to take place when it does. The truth is, I love life and want to empower people with the fruit of my experiences. There will be those that get it and those who will never get it and who will want to tell me i'm wrong. All I am asking is to really take a look and a listen to what is going on before you chime in with a quick opinion.

I will always be brutally honest and not hold back because when I am in my grave I will be worn out and I will have said and done what I wanted to say and do.

 Life, is simply too short to worry about this shit.

Ahhhh... I feel better now. Have a great day you beautiful motherfuckers!

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