Tuesday, 30 August 2011

Heart Attack..

Writing is something I didn't think I would enjoy. It is frustrating at first, what with all the little buttons and my sausage fingers slowly picking away at them. I just hammer out my thoughts and hope for the best. I put alot into my writing and try to do so without fear or worrying about what people will think. I have really come to love writing. I love writing so much that when I think I just erased a whole chapter, I felt like vomiting and having a heart attack all at once.

It turns out I didn't erase the chapter and after much fumbling around, cursing and searching, (should be the title of the next book) I found the lost chapter.

I have alot invested in this whole book thing. Time, effort, emotion. Writing music is fun and exciting but this writing thing is so much different. I used to think music was personal and it is, but this book has been one hell of a journey, a reward in itself.

As I near the end of the first draft of The Bad times Bible I feel sort of like what I felt like before playing the first show of my life. Excited, scared, a bit lost and hoping for the best. Except with this stuff I am alone and it is wierd. The upside to this writing thing is that music has become fun again, a welcome distraction from the intensity of the writing process. I am grateful to be able to live in a country that allows me to express myself freely. I am grateful to be able to create and express myself, period.
speaking of which, I have to get back to it.
See you in a bit.

Monday, 22 August 2011

The Bad Times Bible Blog: A sneak Peek of the Bad Times Bible..

The Bad Times Bible Blog: A sneak Peek of the Bad Times Bible..: I was listening to the radio this morning and heard that Jack Layton, a Canadian politician had succumbed to cancer.He wrote a letter to Ca...

A sneak Peek of the Bad Times Bible..

I was listening to the radio this morning and heard that Jack Layton, a Canadian politician had succumbed to cancer.He wrote a letter to Canadians and it was a great final gesture.Thinking of him and his family and all of the people out there suffering through this disease I decided to put this chapter up on my blog, inspired to share it by Mr. Layton's graceful exit, and hopefully this chapter, like the rest of my book, find the people who need it. With respect to Mr. Layton, his family and all of you out there going through tough times, I give you Chapter 23 of the Bad Times Bible and a big huge hug..   
Chapter 23  The End:  A Magnificent Departure

This chapter is for those people who feel like the body isn’t going to
make it and are starting to think about the exit strategy. I might not
know you but this is what I hope for you whether you are my friend or not.

 As you might have figured out by reading this book I am a huge
cheerleader for life and even though I don’t know (or remember) what it
is like to leave the body for good, I try to meet thoughts of my unknown
future with as much light and hope as I can muster, but if your physical
death is near, I would like to say a few things to you.

First of all, speaking of light, I hope you have found the light in your
existence, especially when met with the fear and grief of those that love
you and don’t want to let you go. I hope you burn bright and show others
how to go out.  I hope when people look into your eyes they are met with
compassion and wisdom. I hope that when people come to say goodbye and
comfort you they are left feeling like it was them who received comfort
and a gift not only through your friendship and love, but in having the
honor and privilege of bearing witness to a great exit.

I hope you have found some sort of peace within you. I hope you have found
a way to let go of the anger and the frustration and the fear and
disappointment and whatever else may make your exit frustrating or hurtful
to yourself and those who love you. I hope you have found a way to let
love into your heart and your life and I hope you found a way to share it.
I hope you have something that you can’t put into words, but shines out of
your eyes that gives you strength and comfort. Whatever that is, I hope it
fills you and surrounds you and those you love.

I hope you have friends and family that are courageous and loving enough
to let you go. I hope their love is given freely and often and without
judgment or resentment. I hope you laugh often and are open and optimistic
about the next stage of this trip we call life.

For the record I’m not sure death is anything but a door to something
else. I hope you are met with awe and wonder when confronted with those
thoughts and I hope you find inspiration in the fact that we don’t know
what happens once we leave our bodies.
I hope you don’t feel a lot of pain and I hope when it is time you are not
alone in any sense of the word. I hope you have the courage to let people
be with you when you go. I hope that you are removed from the human
trappings of ego and that all of that shit burns away from you like tiles
off of a space shuttle upon re entry, or in this case,
like fuel tanks falling off a rocket on its way into the vast universe…

I hope and wish for you that lady grace wraps herself around you like a
cloak and calms you and prepares you to bust loose from here.

I hope you have prepared your place, whatever that means to you, wherever
that is, but for sure in your heart and in your imagination and guts. I
hope you have said what you have wanted to say to those you wanted to say
it to. If letters need to be written, or apologies need to be made to
allow someone to forgive you, I hope they are done so from the heart and
that they become the cherished gifts of love they deserve and are meant to

If thoughts of a future that no longer seems possible come over you, I
hope that somehow, you find a way to focus on, and express in the here and
now, the love in your heart that can never be taken away from you or those
that it is meant to comfort and embrace.

Don’t be surprised or embarrassed if people show up to see you off and
they sit beside your bed and cry. Receive this raw gift of love with an
open heart. Share your own tears, tell those friends what they mean to
you. Sometimes you will sit in silence with loved ones and just stare at
each other without saying a word. Marinate in the simplicity and
perfection of those moments.

I hope there is a window where you can see the sun rise and sun set and I
hope you realize you are one and the same and understand the simple
message behind this beautiful act of nature.

We all know that the end can be unpleasant as the body enters its final
stages of failure. Know that it is your body falling apart. I hope that
when you enter this stage you are far away from the meatsuit and well on
your way to whatever awaits. Don’t worry about this part, you won’t be
there to see it and you will have already said your goodbyes. I hope you
have someone or a bunch of people who are commited to see you through the
veil. I hope they are there when you turn to light and energy and streak
across the universe like the beautiful, incredible miracle that you are.

Speaking of failure, I hope you have realized that you have not “lost”
anything but your physical vessel. I hope you realize the futility of
beating yourself up with angry thoughts. I hope you don’t blame yourself
or spend whatever time you have left with your heart wrapped in anger and
regret. Most of all I hope you forgive yourself and anyone in your life
who may need it. Realize the gift you will be giving someone and what a
powerful position you are in. Forgive and let go of all those life
draining negative energies. They will no longer serve you (if they ever
did at all.)

I hope that you realize and take comfort in the fact that by living you
have made an impact on people’s lives. You have no idea that what you have
said and done in this life hasn’t set wheels in motion for events that may
change the world. Even in your physical death you have the opportunity to
change people forever. Through your actions now, you can influence
someone’s opinion about life and how to live it and leave it. That is a
one time opportunity my friend, unless you are Buddhist.

Speaking about religion, if you are religious I hope that you are strong
in your faith and have the support that you need. If you aren’t religious
but are  suddenly worried about God or judgment or any of that stuff don’t
be. I’m pretty sure if there is an energy called “God” that it has a sense
of humor and lets face it, “god” has a lot more to answer for than you do,
don’t you think?

If you are afraid, remember this. A wise person once asked me, (when we
were talking about death )  what I was thinking just before being born
into this life. He asked me if I was scared then, or nervous or excited. I
told him with a laugh, I didn’t remember what I was feeling. He told me
laughing, not to worry about death then either.

 I hope that people come to the celebration of your life and gather
together to share stories and laugh and cry and really send your meatsuit
off right. I hope that the food is as good as the lies and stories that
are being told about you and I hope your friends linger in the parking
lot for a long time after the formalities are finished, remembering you,
loving you and connecting with each other through your magnificent

Congratulations, you are now myth and legend.  You no longer need a body
as you will be forever carried in the hearts of those who knew and loved
you. Yes, they will miss your physical body, but their grief is their love
turned up real loud and eventually they will realize that you are only a
memory away and that the love they feel is real and the best part of you
that they get to keep until it is their turn to go.

 I hope you know how much people love you and I hope you weren’t afraid to
love them back. Love is energy and energy cannot be destroyed. Wherever
you go, I hope you are fucking kicking ass and burning bright.

I might not have known you, but I wish these things for you. If you don’t
feel the same, that’s cool. From the bottom of my heart I sincerely hope
you get what you need.

My unmet friend,  If one day we do meet somewhere far from here, don’t be
afraid to say hello, introduce yourself, and I’ll buy you a cosmic beer.

Sunday, 21 August 2011

BTB first draft is almost finished.

First of all this feels like yelling into space.
Is anyone going to read this? Who knows. I'm not going to worry about spelling mistakes and grammer here so theere.
My name is Peter MacKenzie Hammond and this is my first blog post about a book that I am almost finished writing. That book which I am sure you have figured out by the title is called "The Bad Times Bible."

At this time in my life I am 37 years old, 38 in a couple of weeks. To be brutally honest, I am in financial ruins due to a really shitty experience in real estate that I am still dealing with. I am not saying that so people will feel sorry for me or any of that bullshit. I am writing a brutally honest book so it goes without saying I will be brutally honest here. That being said, I understand why people rob banks and do crazy shit sometimes because I have thought of doing that stuff too. For about a minute. But instead of being a criminal and taking the punk ass way out, I am going to get out of this massive hole by doing something positive. That thing is writing this book. Now you know where I stand.

The BTB is a book for young men in crisis, although it seems to have something for eveyone I have been told. I wrote the book I wanted when I was going through my own crisis as a young man. It draws from my experiences in life as a cancer patient and a sufferer of depression. It is written as a field guide for both the person in crisis and the people that love them. Having had the experience of being both patient and caregiver, I chose to write to those two groups. Its two books in one you lucky bastards. Told you I wasn't doing it for the money!

 The book is not a cheezy "how to beat cancer" book. I will not be on the cover with a sweater over my shoulders and seagulls flying behind me. If I am on the cover, it will be looking like a fucking psychopath.

Don't get me wrong folks, I am not writing this book hoping it will make me alot of money to get out of my  hole. I have no doubt that will happen. Before you write me off as some cocky prick, please read on and let me explain myself.
 I am writing this book because I have to. I am being driven to. (hold on, got to make room for the cat to sit by the keyboard) Yes, I live with three cats. They came with my girlfriend and I love them. I love her too so lets move on.

I talk about the cat because it seems like everytime I try to do something really positive there is a distraction. Its like the devil keeps pulling me away from the things I should be doing. Right now at this moment, like everytime I write, the cat is rubbing her face on my hand making it really hard to write. She is so fucking cute that I have to stop and kiss her and rub her little furry fucking face.
Sometimes the distractions come in the form of cats, and other times the distractions in my life have been car accidents and other fun things. For the record, I am not religious but I do think dark forces fuck with me sometimes. More on that later. Its a Jedi thing.

So back to the BTB. (The title is too long to write everytime to it will be BTB okay?) This book has been a grind to write to say the least. It has been about a year and a half in the writing. In that period I went from being unemployed living on an air mattress in my sisters computer room in her basement, to driving a recycling truck to working for a friend who owns a property management business. This book was started in my 1997 subaru legacy behind the trainyards near my sisters house. I found an outdoor power plug there and would roll down my window, plug in the 10 year old laptop a former kind hearted girlfriend gave me, and start writing. I needed the plug because the battery dies quickly on the old laptop.

I loved the subaru office. (See picture above) It had a hockey bag with my jiu jitsu gear and a couple of duffel bags with my clothes in them, my bike which I never rode, boxes of books and various other things. I had a storage unit with the rest of my furniture and possesions that I could no longer afford to keep so I bought an old schoolbus for 500 bucks that still ran,  borrowed a friends dealer plate, loaded the bus up with my shit and drove it to a friends house.  I told him he could keep the bus once I get my shit together and get a proper home for my things.

So as it stands, my things are in a schoolbus, (see picture above) I live in an apartment with my lady and her three cats (which I love) above a detailing shop in an industrial park.
So back to subey.
I loved the mobile office because I could drive to get food or something to drink if I had the hankering for it, (when I had the money)  I could really focus in there and still to this day need a corner to write in or I feel exposed. I am excited because my girlfriend's parents gave me an older dodge van and I am going to put a desk in it to write. I am very excited about this. I will be able to write anywhere and that makes me happy.

Distraction and tangents, such is life.

 So as you see my mind wanders and jumps around like a sand flea. That is part of the reason I am blogging, to unload my mind. I am a private person writing a book about my most personal experiences. That doesn't make sense I know, but I have to.

And this brings us back to the point I am trying to make which is I am writing this book because I have to. Not because I am broke and in desperate need of a major fucking boost in the finances, but because it seems I simply have to.

Why else would I write long into the night and get up at blue collar hours to write? Why would I force myself to re live my most humiliating, horrible moments? Well, because those same moments are wrapped in hilarity and also hold hands with powerful insights and useful skills that I learned the hard way and want to and am really being forced to, share with the world.

My life has led me to this place. I am writing a book that is going to help alot of people. Of this I have no doubt. Again, I am not cocky, I am simply trusting in the gut feelings I have about this whole process. Speaking of guts, I am hungry and must go eat. More later.