Wednesday, 18 January 2012

In case the Agent of my Dreams Stumbles upon this blog..

In case a bored, internet surfing literary agent stumbles on this blog thinking it was religious porn, I have left a sample query letter for my book THE BAD TIMES BIBLE. Enjoy. Oh, and don't feel weird about the porn thing. No one will ever know.

Dear Future Agent,

I’m seeking representation for THE BAD TIMES BIBLE, a 77,000- word book
written for, but not limited to, the young adult male audience. I see from
your website that you represent books in both the narrative non fiction, humour and memoir genres.  I see that you represent (author x y z) and feel my book is similar to their work but with more intense language and subject matter. That being said, I wonder if my book would be a good fit for your list.

What’s worse than being 21 and having to attend a day program on a mental
ward because you lost your shit at work? Finding out that you are not just
crazy, but you also have cancer.

In a world where bookstores are filled with sugary self help books that
lack the balls to say how it really is when cancer and mental illness
start kicking your ass, THE BAD TIMES BIBLE smashes down the doors of
political correctness to claim the title of… the ultimate field guide for
the young angry man in crisis.,

Filled with hard fought wisdom and delivered in a take no prisoners, make
no apologies tone, THE BAD TIMES BIBLE will comfort, inspire, shock and
amuse the reader with hilarious and horrifying insights into the world of
cancer and mental illness from a veteran who has lived to tell the tale…
and brought back a map.

This is the manual you want in your hands if you or someone you love hears
those eleven terrible words,

“I am sorry you are nuts, but you have cancer too...”

From dealing with your friends and family, to tales of awkward sex and bar
fights during treatment, THE BAD TIMES BIBLE is a brutally honest, raw and
funny look at how one young man searched his heart for answers to some of
life’s big questions while dealing with not one, but two of life’s
scariest situations, having cancer and mental illness… at the same time.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I would love the opportunity to send you some chapters.


Peter MacKenzie Hammond

P.S. When I was a kid, the agent of my dreams was Jaclyn Smith from the tv show Charlie's Angels. I loved her with all my heart. A secret agent yes, but an agent non the less...

Thursday, 12 January 2012

Anxiety and the hell of writing Query letters...

I hate it.
I hate writing these query letters. It feels like the first time I ever asked a girl out. I look at examples online and I try and figure out what to say and how to say it just right. I keep thinking about that prospective agent and what they want.
Goddamn it all to hell and back in a dirty monkey's ass crack.
I am also intimidated by the fact that so many writers blog so much. "Build an online community and the agents will come looking for you."
Um, I understand that but I wrote a book for people to read and then they can come to the website/blog and we can start having some fun no?  I am a boots on the ground kind of person. Touring in my band showed me that you get real fans when they figure out who you are, look you in the eye, shake your hand, experience you as a REAL LIFE ENTITY!!!!
I don't know how many times I heard, "Wow! I loved your record but the live show blew my fucking tits off!" (from a dude btw) I love being out there meeting people and looking them in the eye. Thats why I want to build something like this
And get it fully wrapped with killer graphics promoting the Bad times Bible. Drive that bastard all over north america. Talk to people, have onboard cameras that feed back into a laptop that goes live to the website. AND BLOG ABOUT IT!! Promote discussion, gather intel,  get enough info for my second book AND have enough video content to do a dvd about the whole experience. A&E will be begging me to do a
And speaking of shows.. I promote the book with the songs and stories nights where it is part book reading, discussing, book tour type shit and part stand up/ rock show. Wherever I go I invite a local band, comedian, sword swallower to close the show. Basically get people together, tell stories, hear thier stories, have some laughs, have some moments, film everything, upload it all and next thing you know the Bad times Bible website is a vault of super cool shit..

But before all that can happen, I have to make someone believe in me.
Just one person who will call me on this and say,
"Alright asshole, lets see what you can do!"
Then I go show them what I can do.
But that won't happen till those damn query letters are written.
I just gotta think about that first date ever when I was a wee little bastard. I bought her a 45 of Simple Mind's "Don't forget about me" and held her hand in the mall. It was nice.

Gotta go write. I love you all.